Blurry Lines

Lines are blurred easily in adult life. Kids movies lied. In Mulan, there was no choice! Her father could not fight and she had to defend her family’s honor! 

Bull shit. That shit never happens IRL. 

There’s a quote from Winston Churchill I read today that sparked this whole thought process: 

Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts. 

I’m in a weird place that I’ve been in before, and according to all old people I talk to, will be in again. I’m waiting to hear back about a job, I’m one of the final people being considered, and I’ve put everything I’ve got into the interview process thus far. I spent a week creating original pieces for review, researched competitors, and wrote an initial analysis. That pile of fun was sent off last night and today I’ve been a basket case. I can’t think straight, can’t hold a conversation, can’t climb, and have had probably 10 mini anxiety attacks. 

I’m a mess because I’ve been here before. Almost sure I had the job, down to the final selection, and come up short. “It was a tough decision!” “The other guy had more experience.” “Ultimately, not the right fit!” Not just once have I been here, but more times than I can count. Full-time jobs, part-time jobs, even a job at a yogurt place. Dashed again. So why wouldn’t this time be any different? It takes me a little longer each time to convince myself to apply for the next one. Continuous seasonal work seems more and more appealing. Becoming a wilderness guide where human interaction is minimal sounds better than ever. But then I get the itch to make something that makes a difference, maybe make a little better money and rejoin society… and I apply again. 

So back to the idea of clear cut courageous moves… I’m holding fast that they’re bull shit, but I don’t think people realize they’re being courageous half the time. And by people I mean me. I’m just too curious and too antsy to stop myself. And then, once I’ve put it all on the line again, I realize the courage I’ve mustered. 

I’m not 100% confident in my work, not completely sure I’m qualified, and really just trying to stay busy and keep myself from trying to figure out the future. 🔮 

Blegh. Courage… Failure… such buzzwords. Shit! Even if I succeed, I will likely still fail. What’s the best way to rethink failure and convince yourself it’s better than success? We’ve all heard the stories of the great ones failing 300bjillion times before they succeed, but how did they keep going without just drinking themselves to death?

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